Tuesday 23 November 2021
My arms and legs suddenly felt constrained, paralysed in place, like a statue guarding the entrance of an old Athenian temple.
I looked down at my hands and arms in which I began to feel waves of uncomfortable, jolting, electric tingles.
My heart was pounding loudly.
Its ferocious and repetitive thump took me over.
I could feel its beat expand across my entire body; expanding to the edges of my ribs, dropping below my pelvis my cock, behind my knees, even pulsing through my skull.
All I could do was surrender.
I was suddenly overtaken by flickering, ripples, pulses and twitches that were new to me.
As these sensations intensified, my vision began to blur.
I looked down to find my arms and legs, still paralysed, now beginning to blur and melt into their surroundings.
The lines separate me from the world around me began to soften, slowly dissolving.
My body became an amalgamation of splashes of colours spinning into tiny storms, which began to merge together like paint on an artists palette.
As the lines separating my body from their surroundings dissolved completely, these colours began to merge with the world that surrounded me; the sand, the sea, the burned bushes scattered on the hills, the sky, the small white houses all began to melt into one large spiral. Soon, shades of purple, pink, and orange which didn’t originally belong in this environment appeared out of nowhere.
I watched in awe, like a farmer standing before a UFO in the middle of an open field.
The tide of the sea crashed towards me as if my body was the shore.
The pebbles which came rolling down the barren hills appeared to tumble down my spine, vertebrae by vertebrae; their sound vibrating like the rhythm of a shaman’s drum.
The sky was no longer high above me but rather pulsing expanding in the tips of my fingers and toes. The earth had risen up from below wrapping gently around the back of my heart, supporting it with a gentle, solid embrace.
I felt safe in that moment.
I became free: free to trust, to love, to dissolve fully in an experience I was no longer resisting, or trying to understand.
I had fully dissolved into space, like a multi-coloured cloud hanging in the void, beyond the realm we call “reality”.
Yet this felt so much more real to me.
What I had previously called my body was now an amalgamation of waves and spirals, like an artist’s brushstrokes merging into one unidentifiable flurry.
I stood still, a witness to the process of dissolution which continued to take place.
Slowly realising I was no longer differentiated from everything else in existence.
I was one, with it all: the earth, the stars, the universe, and the pulse of God.
It was magical and overwhelming, unlike anything I had ever experienced before.
I felt euphoric, light, powerful.
In that moment, the concepts of time, place and identity no longer made sense.
I rested in the infinite now, suspended between everything that had occurred in the past, and all that was yet to come.
I don’t know how long this all lasted.
I only remember suddenly feeling myself come back to normal time in space, my body returning to its usual solid form.
I felt as if a full-body cast had been removed after constraining me for far too long.
My heart was pounding, my arms and legs trembling, tears cascaded down my cheeks.
I heard the waves of the sea, to my left whispering gently, and the sky above me offering a sense of liberation in its expanse.
My eyes squinted, adjusting to the brightness of the sun. My lips, mouth, and tongue joined their movement, my hands floated to my cheeks as I acknowledged the physicality of my face.
I was human again.
Whatever that meant.