Shame is an invention.
We invented shame, we can also dismantle it.
Unlike joy, anger, fear, It doesn’t exist in nature.
It’s manmade, it’s an illusion.
This is why it varies from person to person.
What is shameful to one person is not shameful to another.
As we created it, we can also dismantle it.
One of the ways we do so is by exploring the truth behind our fantasies.
I am always saying that our sexual fantasies are not what we think. In fact, the underlying desire often has very little to do with the fantasy at the surface.
In the realm of the unconscious, associations are formed between events of the past to the desires that show up for us today.
When an event has happened which has caused a rupture, a disconnection, a loss, a part of us will yearn for a reconnection, completion or resolution.
This yearning will often show up in our fantasies.
The incest fantasy is an example of this.
While incest is considered taboo and shameful, it is the topic of the videos which are most watched on porn tube sites around the world.
This may stem from situations of abuse, or abandonment, but it can also come from situations that are not necessarily as unhealthy.
Perhaps a parent pushed a child away at puberty, or at another time when they feared sexuality might become present in their exchange.
While engaging with our child sexually is indeed wrong, and keeping a distance is important, the boundaries we create can also be misinterpreted as a rejection, creating a disconnection we may spend decades trying to repair.
One of the ways we do this is through our fantasies.
We might want to be cradled while in the state of arousal.
We might want to suck nipples, refer to someone as mommy, or daddy, we might want to be tied up, dominated, etc.
In my sessions and workshops I try to create safe spaces for role-play that will allow the reconnection to happen.
But acting out a fantasy is not enough.
The key is in acknowledging the meaty part of the association which is the quality of the nourishment in the fantasy.
What qualities are present?
What are we seeking?
What are we nourishing from?
Safety? Aliveness? Acceptance?
Getting familiar with these qualities allows us to take a step back, loosen the grips of shame, and get clear on our REAL underlying desires so they can truly start to be met.
Check out this quick 3-min video on the topic.
If this resonates, you can have a look at the upcoming events below.