Our shameful sexual fantasies are not what we think.
We have been taught to keep them hidden in the shadows, to fear their impact, that we will be judged, found out and annihilated.
Yet in perpetuating this pattern of supression, we have done ourselves a huge disservice. These fantasies will often hold valuable gems pointing to our truth.
When explored in a safe space, with a proper process, they can become a tool for radical and sustainable transformation.
Our darkest shadow, our greatest transformation.
Sexual fantasies, especially our most shameful and compulsive ones, will usually hold our darkest shadow.
The shadow is the underworld, the part of ourselves that we don't normally want to look at. We all have one, and it usually emerged from events from the past,probably early in our lives, during which we were made to believe we couldn’t be loved because of a certain aspect of ourselves.
Led by the fear of loss, we learn to hide certain key parts of ourselves away.
In this process, we often also switch off the parts of ourselves that make us unique, that point to our deepest truth, our highest gifts.
Unpacking our shadow will often be the best way to enable an awakening that will lead to changes that will ripple across every area of our lives.
Sex, and especially sexual shame, usually holds the darkest part of our shadow.
By unpacking it, we can awaken a huge power for transformation.
Our erotic essence
Second, our fantasies tell us a lot about ourselves, about our essence, and our truth. Each of us will be turned on by a unique combination of elements and fantasies.
What gets us excited, hard, wet, turns us on, will usually give us an accurate picture of what we deeply resonate with. This allows us to peak into the essence of who we are and subsequently the gifts we are here to share with the world.
What am I nourishing from here?
Next, sexual fantasies will often show us the parts of ourselves that are dormant, waiting to be awakened for us to be whole. Every act of sexuality is an act of seeking wholeness and oneness somehow. Therefore our sexual fantasies can show us what is missing.
What am I seeking in these fantasies?
And most importantly, a key question which might seem the most radical of all arises:
What am I feeding from in this fantasy?
What nourishment am I seeking there?
This is radical because for most of us, it can seem unfathomable that there would be nourishment in something as shameful as a rape or abuse fantasy.
This work is based on the idea that our deeply intelligent being is actually seeking nourishment in every moment, even in distorted ways such as addiction patterns, or shameful fantasies.
When we realise what nourishment we are seeking, we can then begin to look at where this nourishment can be found in other parts of our lives.
The next stage is to look within, knowing that everything we seek outside of us, is already within us.
This is where the practice of Orgasmic Shamanism comes in. In our deep dives, our practices of energy work and spontaneous movement, we awaken the deep understanding that everything we seek is already within us.
While the practice of exploring our sexual fantasies has a strong cognitive element, it is most of all an embodiment practice.
The key is to come back to the body, to its rich responses and to sit with the sensations, as well as the movements and visions that arise when we are in deep connection with it, and let them inform us.
What is shameful?
I see shame as an emotion which has been made up by humans. It does not exist in nature.
Shame differs from what is considered taboo by a society or what is illegal.
What matters is the personal experience of shame and how we relate to it.
What is shameful to one, may not be shameful to someone else.
Everything is allowed in this safe space.
I believe everything should be allowed in the space of fantasy processing.
I have worked with hundreds of clients on fantasies of rape, abuse, incest, pedophilia.
I want to be clear that I do not in any way support or condone the acting out of any sexual act that is illegal, or non-consenting.
I do believe all fantasies should be given a space for exploration and processing, as long as we are clear that acting it out would be wrong and that we are merely looking to process it, and learn from it.
Leaving a fantasy unexplored can be even more damaging than facing its ugly truth.
It is important to remember that process is not just about healing or tolerating a fantasy, but rather allowing it to unveil hidden parts of ourselves we would benefit from awakening.
What part of our gift, essence, of our soul, is seeking to awaken, albeit in a distorted way?