It didn’t take long for his promise to materialise. Within minutes I could hear him climbing the stairs, chuckling with a mate, and soon enough, they were both towering over me as they stood by the bed. 

“This is Stewart. He has a huge knob. You’ll love it.” He said. 

I glanced at Stewaes, a cheeky young-looking lad with dark blond hair, tanned skin, and a nice build. He hurried to shed his clothes, revealing a large and heavy knob, already semi-hard, swinging between his legs. He hopped right on top of me at record speed.

His enthusiasm and keenness turned me on even more than he did. 

After Stewart was done, there was another, and then another. 
The door continued to open consistently for the next few hours, allowing a constant flow of eager visitors, sometimes two or three at a time, to stream in. They were all pretty much the same age, build, and demographic. I was surprised by the abundance of it all. 

Clothes came off quickly, and one after the other, these guys unleashed themselves on me, fucking me, using me as they wished, only for their pleasure.  
I was surprised by the fervour and tenacity of my sexual hunger. 

I felt like an animal in a cave. No matter how many men came and went, I wanted more. 
At times I would pause and find myself beaming with excitement at the realisation that one of my peak sexual fantasies was finally coming true. 
I had always wanted to be the protagonist of a gangbang, to serve, and be used by all. 

At some point, I found myself with four beautiful lads, some naked and some in jockstraps, lying in bed with me, talking, laughing, stroking, sucking… 
The energy changed when I noticed one of them reaching for small packs of drugs and passing them around. At that point, I knew I had reached my limit. 

Yes, as surprising as it seemed, this slut had boundaries. 
I felt myself awaken abruptly as if a dream had ended. 

I positioned myself within the four guys in a way that would “encourage” a couple of them to pleasure me to ejaculation while the others cheered us on. 
I needed to release. I needed all the sexual energy accumulated and amassed throughout this long night to hit its peak. This fantasy that had been consuming me for almost twenty years was finally coming true, and I needed it to be fully consumed. 

I felt my dick harden more than ever before, my pelvic area flooding with thick pulsations. As my body began to shake, the hands pleasuring me picked up speed. My nipples were being licked, my hole fingered, and a large cock and balls were slapping against my face. 

When I couldn’t hold it any longer, I closed my eyes, threw my head back, and exploded all over my belly, chest, and neck. 
I looked around at the cheering group of men, faked a smile, and caught my breath. I was partially satisfied, partially keen to get the hell out of there. 

I looked at the clock; it was half-past noon on Sunday. 
I had been getting fucked for hours now and I was done; it was time to go. 
I went on my way, setting off for the “tube-ride of shame” that would usher me across London back to my home. 

I can’t quite remember exactly how many men I had sexual contact with that night. My guesstimate would be somewhere between 15 and 20. Had it not been for the appearance of drugs, it would have been more. 

It didn’t matter.

The events that occurred had turned that night into, simultaneously, the most pleasurable and shameful one of my life.
The shame, I supposed, was ancestral; handed down to me by my highly religious parents who had grown up in the Middle East. My relationship to sexuality and pleasure had been distorted, to say the least. 

It is probably relevant to share that I was beginning my journey with Tantra at the time. In fact, I was in the process of completing a 1-year training and had made sexual explorations a central element of my life. 
This added an extra layer to the deep shame I was experiencing at the time.

“I had done enough work on myself,” I thought. 
“How could I let myself get to this? I should have known better.”

I phoned the teachers from my Tantra training a few hours after returning home. My head was hanging in shame, my face sunken heavily in my hands … 
I was so embarrassed, so ashamed. 

Yet, I continued to be turned on by the vivid memories of what had happened. I would get hard at the thought of all those men taking turns on top of me one by one. Cocks sliding in and out of me one after the other… loads from different guys landing on different parts of my body, sometimes mixing with another load, sometimes even inside me… 

I was disturbed by how turned on I was by a series of events I judged as so wrong. 
“What was wrong with me?” I thought. “Was I sexually broken? Was this why my relationships would never last?”
This event was the lowest point of the two decades of sexual shame I had inflicted on myself since realising I was gay as a teenager. 

Yet it was divinely timed that it would arise at this very moment, when my explorations were being held, safely and lovingly, by such incredible tantra teachers.
The explorations that followed paved the way for a highly transformative journey that unlocked the medicine I needed to heal old wounds; to provide my darkest shadows with the love they were so hungry for.
I realised that by getting deeply intimate with my darkest shadows, they could soon become my highest tools for personal transformation. Over the years of processing shame, fantasies and shadows in this way, I was able to uncover the practices and processes I share with clients and workshop participants today. 

Our shameful sexual fantasies are not what we think. 
They shouldn’t be banned, repressed, or pushed into the shadows; on the contrary. 
If we slow down, pause with them and give them space they need to whisper to us softly, we begin to hear all the ways they are trying to inform us.
Often times, people are surprised to actually find nourishment in these fantasies, allowing them, as well as the associated shame, to turn on their heads.  
Exploring them deeply can not only transmute the fantasy itself but also transform the way we experience every part of our lives. 

I continue to be excited as I witness people step into the dark and find their highest gifts where they previously found shame and fear.  
This is a big part of the work I have been doing with men in my weekly online workshops since the pandemic began in Spring 2020.
If this resonates with you and you would like to take this further, check out my upcoming 4-part series called Your Erotic Shadow.

See more information below.